Christ is the Blood

I have had some friends go through pretty rough patches recently, and it’s painful to watch. I know I have been through my fair share, as have we all. I realized that there seems to be some underlying theme in each person’s life that I talk with from day to day. For me I find that people who are friends, interests, whatever, have a habit of just cutting connections with me one day totally out of the blue and hiding the truth from me; that’s one of my biggest fears, and that’s how it always seems to end. One friend constantly feels like the new person they are dating is finally “the one” when all the sudden things don’t work out. I could go on and on with the different underlying themes in all of our individual lives, but I think you can point out the repeating themes in your own life.

A few nights ago I had a realization of what I feel to be revelation from Heavenly Father. I was stressed about life, school, work, etc. roommates were upset about boys, and good friends were upset about girls, life is just hard for everyone in different ways. Every one of us kept saying “This always happens to me!”

So, why? Why does this always happen to me/you/us?

I work as a Physical Therapy Technician at the hospital and as part of that I get to assist with wound care from time to time. One thing with burns and other big wounds is that we have to do whatever it takes for healthy skin to grow back in order for the patient to be fully healed. In order for “good” skin to grow, they have to bleed. So when patients come in we have to pick off the bad skin and MAKE them bleed. The patients hate this part! They often think that the skin on there already is good enough. As the specialist in wound care, however, the Physical Therapist recognizes that the skin the patient thinks to be healthy is in fact not at all healthy and has to be stripped off. Once the bad skin is peeled away and the bleeding takes place then the patient can be cleaned up, wrapped up, and they are free to go on their way til next time. Then the process repeats several times depending on the severity of the wound, each time with the patient in pain but the Therapist having full knowledge that they are doing what is best for the patient.

Okay…? So what?

We are the patients, God is the Therapist, and Christ is the blood.

God knows exactly what we have to go through in order to be strong; to be our best selves. We have to endure the pain time and time again, always thinking “this is finally it!” when in reality it is merely another step to make us “bleed” in the process of being made whole. However, Christ has already shed the blood for us, for our wounds. When we turn to Christ we can be healed as our life seems to be falling apart, but in reality it is only falling in line with God’s will.

Healing is not a comfortable, easy process. You must think of your life in the same sense as a healing wound; you are going to be torn apart, you have to use the blood of Christ in order to be healed, and you have to trust in God because He knows exactly what He is doing with you.

Have faith and trust in the healer; Him tearing you down is Him loving you enough to build you into something beautiful.

This Trial is Not Yours Alone

I have thoughts all the time that make me think; "this thought is not for me alone." 

In my stake here at Rexburg this semester we have a list of goals, and one of them is to record our thoughts in a journal. I have kind of been slacking at that. (CONFESSION)

But, just because I haven't written them all down doesn't mean they haven't come into my mind.

I sometimes fall in love with the thoughts Heavenly Father puts in my head. 

I love the opportunity to sit and ponder on things. I love going on walks, and runs so that I can just let my mind flow! And this...is the result of those thoughts.

I've gone through the biggest trial of my life (so far) for the last 4-5 months. 

Let's be real guys, being sent home from a mission (for whatever the reason) is not easy. 

1. Everyone asks you about why you are home.

-It's not their business.

2. When some people hear you have medical problems, they automatically want to know what the problem is, because they think you are dying.

-Not all medical problems are life threatening, and honestly, the depth of my medical problems are extremely personal to me.

3. Others assume you are having problems with the church. Whether it is your testimony or obedience, you get the judgement of "You no longer belong here" or "What have you done?"

- I know where I stand with the Lord, and it is a good place. But, where do you stand for judging me unrighteously?

4. There will be that one person who tells you that you failed. That you are not a returned missionary. That you did not serve a mission. And all the sudden you feel inadequate to ever talk about your mission again.

-Let me tell you. Satan is the only voice that will ever tell you that you have failed. And my friend, I served the mission the Lord needed me to serve. I am a returned missionary. I did serve a mission. And I will talk abut my mission. 

If someone judges you, or can't accept you because "you didn't finish your mission" then they are the ones with the weight on their shoulders. Because, you see, when you give your whole heart, your full effort, everything you have to serve the Lord and in the end you just can't go on will Jesus Christ look at you and say "tisk, risk. You didn't finish." 

No. He will not. I imagine he will say something like... "Thank you for proving to me that you were willing to do my will instead of your own. Thank you for being my servant despite the difficulty. Well done, I am proud of you."

In the Gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no such thing as Failure. Because failure is an endpoint; a final destination. And in the plan of Jesus Christ, there is no end. We are meant to progress for eternity. We are meant to experience hard things because the Lord knows we are ready to grow from the pain. Trials are a sign of God's love for us. He sees potential in us, and He will do all in His power to help us reach it. 

I have learned so many lessons from this experience. The most important one being how much my Father in Heaven, and my Savior, Jesus Christ, love me. He loves us truly, deeply, but most importantly He love us personally.

I know I have grown from this trial. I have become a stronger person in this Gospel. Before my mission I knew the church was true, but now? Now I know, with every fiber of my being, that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. No where else on the face of the Earth can you find the peace, and the fullness of this gospel. And that is because this is the church of Jesus Christ restored upon the earth in these latter-days! 

However, back to my very first sentence...

I have thoughts all the time that make me think; "this thought is not for me alone."

Even though I had these thoughts, even though I wrote this up, this is not for me. This is for someone, somewhere who needed to hear it. The Holy Spirit shares things with us so that we can help and teach others. 

What I want people to understand from reading this is that, what happens to you is not only meant for you. Find strength from your experiences, but more importantly find wisdom in them so that you can share that wisdom with the people it is really meant for. Because in the end, God never intended for us to do things for ourselves, but for the service, support, and love of our dear brothers and sisters.

I know my Savior loves me. I know I am meant to do all I can to help others during and through my trials. I know that all things, no matter how hard, or how minuscule, are from our Father in Heaven, and they are to help us grow; to fulfill our divine potential.

Seeing the Light

So, I have to share how hectic life has been this semester. 

Before I go any further though, I have to say that I have come to learn that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.

So at the beginning of this semester I decided I needed to get a job, and a car, and get myself on my own feet.

Boy did I not see what was coming next!

First off, I got a job and soon after a car...

I didn't realize what kind of "child care" job I had applied for and was now working for.

I soon came to find out that I was titled a "Developmental Therapy Technician" and I would be working with the teenager program and then one little boy on Wednesdays, and then a little girl every morning.

I got my car and everything was going great!

Then...while I was driving to work one morning my car broke down in the middle of the street. 

Talk about embarrassing!

After many phone calls, a nice police officer, and a free tow thanks to my insurance I was off for the day and  safe in the Idaho Falls Smith car dealership to have my car fixed. 

Of course my immediate thought is, "My battery is dead, I have no oil, my engine just broke, Is my car ever gonna start again?"

Pretty dramatic, right? 

Well welcome to the mind set of Pauline ;)

After spending a whole entire day in this car dealership with Jessica and some very nice men, one in particular who devoted his whole day to trying to get me to go behind my parent's back and buy a car, I found out exactly what was wrong with my car. 

A broken fuel pump...

"It's going to cost you a little over $800 ma'am..."

Excuse me? No it isn't. Just put that little thing right there, Wam Bam, we're done, here's $200.

Yeah, I wish.

While I still had this man telling me to go against my parent's orders and buy a different car, I did not listen and payed my $800 with a very heavy heart and went on my way.

I thought that would be the last of my car troubles.

While this man was trying to convince me I needed a new car he went ahead and ran a car facts on my car... man oh man was I upset with what he found!

After being told that my car had a clean title, and that it ran great ( that had already been proved wrong) I was told that my car in fact has a SALVAGED title...

First off, it is illegal to sell someone a salvaged title and not tell them. That depreciates the value by more than 50%.

Then I came to find out that suing them would just put me more in the drain, and I might not even get my money back from these people. 

Well, a couple weeks go by and I am beginning to realize that some of these kids I work with can get pretty vicious!

I was chased with scissors, almost stabbed with a pencil, thrown up against the wall and held there completely helpless for quite sometime, elbowed in the stomach, I had to keep a kid in the isolation room to keep him from hurting other clients only to have a huge metal door fall on me when he began to act up, then I  had my chest scratched up by a kid who hadn't had his nails clipped recently, and my favorite would have to be having kids try to pull my hair out. The "Bun" quickly became my favorite hairstyle.

You know what? As awful as all of this sounds, I came to truly love my kids. I prayed everyday for my kids. I prayed that they would be happy, and that the Holy Ghost would teach me what would be best fro their personal needs. My prayers were answered every day. I also began to look at life in a completely different light. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a mother and father who don't take care of me, or who don't care for my well being. I can't imagine being stuck in a mentality where I don't know how to express myself. Many days I was brought to tears as I sat off to the side and watched clients burst into tears and throw fits because they didn't know how to ask for what they needed/wanted. But the coolest thing about all of this, is knowing that all of these kids are Celestial beings. One day these kiddos will gain a great reward for all the things they went through in this mortality. It was also amazing to see just how precious and innocent these kids were when they weren't acting up out of frustration. They really are little angels who just want to be loved. 9 out of 10 times that a child was fussing, crying, or throwing a fit the cure was simply a big long bear hug or just grabbing their hands and looking them in the eyes and telling them everything was okay.

So, as much as I had grown to love my kids I had to quit my job because, well you guessed it, my lovely car failed me again.

Monday on my break in between shifts I went to hang out with my good friend Hans like I do all the time. Well when it came time to leave, my car wouldn't start.

I did the only thing I knew to do... I said a prayer.

Of course heavenly Father couldn't fix my car, but he brought me the help I needed and he kept me calm, well mostly calm.

My car got towed fixed and whatever else it needed.

Apparently since my ignition was hesitating to start it triggered the theft system convincing my car that it was being stolen and it wouldn't start anymore.

So, there went another $500 on this car.

After thinking about it Mom told me to quit my job and that her and Dad would support me through everything. 

This was hard for me to do because I was so convinced that quitting my job would be the end of the world, I did not want Mom and Dad having to pay for all my stuff again.

So after spending all night crying over what I was going through I woke up to a friend asking how everything turned out.

After telling him that I had to quit my job and pay boocoodles of money, he said this to me...

"...It's all going to work out. Light always follows the dark times in our lives when we are living right, Pauline you're living right."

This was exactly what I needed to hear and I just started crying again. It was like Heavenly Father answered my prayers through him. 

Life all the sudden seemed easier after hearing that. I humbled myself and said a prayer of thanks for everything that was going on. 

I know Heavenly Father loves me and has a marvelous plan laid out for me. I know that I can rely on my parents in all things, and that they will always support me no matter what I do. I do know that trials are here to strengthen us and that all will be alright.

I know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!

Life is Only a Dream

I just feel the need to share how grateful I am for all that I have.

After losing a friend this week in a sudden and tragic death, I realize you can never be too careful about sharing your love!

We should always do our part to spread happiness, and let our loved ones know we love them, don't just assume they know!

I am also extremely thankful for Heavenly Father answering my prayers.

I know that he hears and answers us in his own due time when he feels we are prepared to follow and accept his will. 

I am so thankful for Heavenly Father's hand in my life, and I am grateful for where he has brought me in life.

I couldn't be happier.

Still Summer!

I haven't written in quite sometime so I suppose since I have nothing better to do I could update everyone!

My summer in Texas was great! It was wonderful to see old familiar faces and rekindle great memories and make new ones all at the same time! I must admit I will never miss that heat. I thought I missed it, until I was reminded of how hot it really is.

Jordan's wedding was fabulous! She was breathtaking! When she put her dress on all I could do was cry! Anyone who saw her would have to agree; she looked like a princess! Every girl deserves to look their absolute best on their wedding day, and she sure did! It may have been hot and muggy, but the whole ceremony was beautiful! Everything paid off, and it went very smoothly! Jordan and Jeff ended up getting married, so I guess you could say it was a success ;)

I got to spend time with many of my family members, and that was of course the best part of the Summer break. I loved seeing my grandparents and hearing all sorts of stories about our family history! I wish I could just go back in time and meet all these incredible people I am related to! I love hearing all the stories, and I can't wait to be able to put faces to these names!

I came back to Idaho a couple weeks before the semester starts, so that's where I am currently!

Since I've been back I haven't done too much, but I am of course having a blast! I went boating for the first time ever! It was crazy fun! I tried tubing with my friend Jessica, and it went well...for me at least! She actually ended up accidentally punching herself in the face and getting a nose bleed!!! Crazy, right? It happened so fast I didn't even realize she wasn't on the tube anymore and I ended up flipping over sideways off the tube! It was fun while it lasted. I screamed and laughed the whole way, and I would definitely do it over again!

As for what I'm doing to stay productive... not too much for the time being ;) I'm glad to be going back to the gym, and hanging out with friends, but I really can't wait for classes to start! Then I'll be set to go! I'm super excited for this semester, and what ever Heavenly Father has in store for me! I know it's going to be great!

The Book of Mormon

I just want to say how much I love The Book of Mormon.

Every time I read it it means something different to me.

I am able to interpret it in a new light according to the things going on in my life.

I know that when we liken the scriptures to ourselves they can give us the answers we are searching for. 

I have never received better inspiration or comfort than from the scriptures.

I know that The Bible and The Book of Mormon go hand in hand together and they testify of each other.

Studying one will only give you a greater understanding of the other.

If you have never read The Book of Mormon, or it has been a while since you have, I encourage you to do so. 

Like I said, nothing makes me happier than a nice quiet opportunity to study the scriptures and I can't miss out on sharing my happiness with you!

Please?

All I wanna do is run. 

But stuff always comes up, so I never get to.

Since I can't run I get all stressed out.

It stinks.

I'm gonna run in the morning. 

It'll be a good day.

That is all.

:D